Guys, let’s be real here. “Northwestern” is a terrible name for a university.

Look, I love the school as much as the next person, but why are we named after a cardinal direction? I don’t want to explain it anymore.

No, Northwestern is not in Washington. No, it’s not in Boston either, that’s Northeastern University. Sure, some call us “Nerdwestern” or “Northwasted.” But the former sounds like we’re the cast of “The Big Bang Theory,” and the latter implies we’re all in the Zac Efron fraternity from “Neighbors.” I think it’s finally time for us to come up with a new name for Northwestern. Here are my suggestions:


This name really gets to the core of our beliefs and values here, and I think it would definitely save some time when telling extended family about college. Instead of listing off the five classes you’re taking, the three publications you write for and the Greek organization you’re in, just tell them you go to NorthStresstern. They’ll understand.


If you love being sick for five months straight, come on down to Congestern! Our dorms are so cramped and our weather is so cold, you’re practically guaranteed to get swine flu by October. Plus, as a bonus, our health center is only open for urgent care on Saturdays and not at all on Sundays, so if you’re sick on a Sunday, have fun! You’ll be stewing in a pit of your own excretions till Monday!

North Western:

Hey, remember how Kanye and Kim’s baby is named North West? Well, that’s funny, because we go to Northwestern! Get it?! Ha, ha, those jokes never get old. So why not just streamline the process and name our school after the baby that people already put on our T-shirts? It’s guaranteed to be topical for at least 70 more years.


Finally, our geography-related problems are solved! Simple, clean and easy. I think we’ve finally got the perfect school name. Now, for the real question: Are we MW or MU?