Tribadism Troubles

What to do when you scrape the bottom of the eligible NU bachelorette barrel.

Julia Tesmond

Image by Rachel Hawley / North by Northwestern

So you’ve dated every queer girl at Northwestern; all the eligible people in your sorority, in the Gender Studies department, at the local Ace Hardware and in the Natasha Lyonne club you founded. Now what?

Crack open a sweet, sweet microbrew on the edge of the lakefill, even though the wind keeps blowing your beanie off.

Spring quarter is finally in full swing, and you know what that means: supporting small, local, GMO-free businesses by drinking the brewski your friend Alex makes in the trunk of her 2007 Subaru. Crack open that crisp “Sapphic Pilsner” while gazing into the abyss of the lakefill, reminiscing about what could’ve been if you had gone to Sarah Lawrence instead.

Finally have the time to maintain the undercut you got after Kristen Stewart came out.

In 2013, you made the mistake that would change the course of your entire life: You got an undercut. You’ve really let the undercut go while you’ve been dating other women with undercuts, and now it’s in shambles. But after watching 12 different gay YouTubers’ vlogs, you’re basically Shane from The L Word. Not only can you start a small Northwestern business for all of your ex-girlfriends, you can set up shop on the ground floor of Norris next to the CRU table (and legally call yourself “CRU-Cuts”). After your year of heartbreaks, your undercut will be better maintained than Kristen Stewart’s beard, Robert Pattinson.

Watch Carol for the ninth time.

Because Blue is the Warmest Color is a gay movie for straight people and you can’t watch Piper whine for another season of OITNB.

Write another strongly worded email to the Academy about how they snubbed Cate Blanchett at the 2015 Oscars.

As soon as Cate Blanchett’s wistful smize fades into the credits during your eighth viewing of Carol, it’s time to start dialing your local (Academy) representative. You’ve never forgiven them for the great Brokeback Mountain best picture snub of 2006, but the Cate Blanchett affront has to be reversible…right? I mean, look at the way she smokes a clove cigarette whilst whispering the name Therese into her fur coat. Plus, she’s the only queer woman still alive at the end.

Grow your nails out?

Self-explanatory.