Waking up in a Plex single and realizing that you *left an impression* on someone last night

It’s sometime in the morning and you wake up to find that you’re naked in someone’s bed with an ear-ringing headache. And you’re the little spoon.

Now that your head is somewhat clear and you’ve realized that, yes, you did in fact accompany someone home – and ew, they live in Plex – the rst thing you need to do is assess the situation. How bad is your hangover? Was the sex good? Did you know them before last night?

Uh, is that your underwear hanging on the lampshade?

From there, grab your shit and run like hell. Or, if they’re cute, cuddle for a little bit before realizing you’re late for a group project meeting in Kresge, and then grab your shit and run like hell.

This general theory applies to anywhere on campus, but let’s be honest: there’s a huge difference between waking up naked in Plex and waking up naked to a lakeside view in 560 Lincoln. There will be no running like hell if you’re waking up in the latter. Enjoy your goddamn privilege.

Actually wanting to text your one- night stand during your Sheridan walk of shame

This is a no-brainer. You’ve shared upper lip sweat from making out in an off-campus basement. You’ve seen each other naked. You’ve broken the ice.

Text them. If they text you back, congrats, you’ve at least made a friend (and you know you’re not horrible in bed).

If they don’t, you’re not horrible in bed. I promise. It’s just that they’re not interested, or they’re going through something, or they’re just not very nice. Either way, they no longer exist. They never happened, and you’ll survive and thrive.

Somehow finding time during Week 6 to develop feelings

This usually happens because you actually texted them back, and then they texted back, and now you’re friends. Except, you know, friends who hookup a lot and also drunk sext occasionally.

If it doesn’t work out, don’t press it. Unrequited feelings suck, but being led on while hoping you can change their mind sucks more. You deserve better. Ask them what “this” is, and if the answer isn’t “I’d love to call a spade a spade and label the friendship, deep talking and subsequent foreplay an actual relationship,” it’s not worth pursuing.

Running into someone who says they made out with you the night before and not initially recognizing them because BASEMENTS ARE DARK AS SHIT

Oh, honey. You went out on North Campus, didn’t you?

These situations are so incredibly messy that the only thing you can do is laugh it off and change the subject to literally anything else – midterms, papers, that time you got food poisoning at Lisa’s and the doctor at Searle basically told you to suck it up.

Hooking up with your friend (e.g. residential college dormcest)

Talk it out as soon as possible. Everyone who has ever, in the history of this world, said the friends-with-benefits thing won’t be awkward is lying. Talk. Sit them down for a shitty debriefing brunch at Allison (or a great debriefing brunch at Cupitol if you’re rich) and talk about it. Do you want to keep hooking up? Are there feelings involved? Was this just a one-night thing? Ask these questions and answer them honestly, so that way when these questions inevitably surface again, you have something to reference.

Some etiquette rules to consider on top of all this shit (because, you know, more things to worry about)

  1. If you’re hosting, you should offer to let them spend the night. A 7 a.m. walk of shame is way more bearable than a 3 a.m. walk of shame.

  2. You technically reserve the right to ask them to please get the fuck out. But don’t be an asshole.

  3. If you’re just not feeling it, you can ask to cuddle, make out and go to sleep. You’ll know that they’re nice (and it’ll increase your chances of morning sex, which is the goddamn bomb).

  4. Leave your hickies in places that are easily covered so Yiraida from Fran’s doesn’t coyly ask the other person about it a couple of days later. (Hi, Yiraida, I love you.)

  5. If they fell asleep on your arm and it gets numb, they’re probably knocked the fuck out anyway so you can pull it out without waking them up. Maybe? If they do wake up, see my note about morning sex.

  6. Bonus: Straight ladies! My fellow gays! If you really, really, really need water but you’re on the side of the bed facing the wall and he’s boxing you in, just quench your thirst by sucking his dick!
    (That was a joke. Hydrate yourself. With, like, water.)