The day is Sept. 18, 2011. Alex Nitkin, an 18-year-old new arrival at Northwestern, is returning home after a long day of scrubbing graffiti off the walls of an elementary school in Evanston. He’s glad to be done with SCAPE, an uncomfortable day of community service that capped off a week of hit-or-miss bonding activities known as Wildcat Welcome. As he trots up the steps of Allison Residential Community clutching the fourth purple tee-shirt he’s earned this week, he’s nearly knocked off his feet by an earth-shattering CRACK on the path behind him. He spins to see a silver 1985 DeLorean materialize in a flash and careen across the lawn, skidding to a stop inches before crashing head-on into Shepard.

As an astounded Alex edges toward the retro-futuristic car, its driver door slams open and a familiar schlubby figure bounds out onto the grass. He looks exactly like Alex, except he’s wearing a bright yellow cap and wraparound reflective sunglasses. This is a transcript of the conversation that followed.

Alex: Whu… Who the hell are you?

Other guy: C’mon man, this is an easy one. You’ve seen Back to the Futurelike 17 times. I’m you, from the year 2015. I’ve come back to tell you how to get the most out of college.

2011 Alex: Whoa, so was the sequel right about 2015? Has time-travel been invented by then?

2015 Alex: Yeah, the movie was pretty much dead-on. Except that part about the Cubs winning the World Series. That’s probably not happening.

2011 Alex: No shit. So do people really wear glasses like that in the future? Because they look pretty ridiculous.

2015 Alex: What, these? Nah, these are just HD Vision sunglasses.I saw them on an infomercial and thought they’d be good for my glaucoma. Enough about that, though. I’m here for a reason.

2011 Alex: Right…to tell me how to get the most out of college? I mean you seem wise and everything, but I’m pretty sure I’m OK on that front. It’s already off to a great start—I live in one of the best dorms on campus, after all. The NBN Housing Guide told me so.

2015 Alex: What, Allison? Sure, it’s shiny and new and the rooms are big, and I did end up spending my third and fourth-best years of college here. But like a lot of dorms, it can be tough to break out and meet people. Trust me, you don’t want to spend freshman year trapped in one very comfortable room.

2011 Alex: Well if the dorm makes meeting so people so hard, how do I do it?

2015 Alex: Be inventive. Spend every waking minute in a lounge. Do some creative microwave cooking, and involve whoever happens to be in the room. Go door-to-door in your underwear asking to borrow hot sauce. The point is, you’ve been dropped into a swarm of 8,000 brilliant and fascinating people. Every one of them is a precious resource, a source of energy and enlightenment. That’s what you get when you go to a top University—you need to take advantage of the fact that you’re not in Podunk Arkansas anymore.

2011 Alex: But I’m from Connect—

2015 Alex: Shut up, I know where you’re from. I’m from there too.

2011 Alex: Well, I guess I get what you’re saying, but the thing is that I prefer getting to know a select group of people and getting really close to them, instead of having a thousand acquaintances. That’s why I was thinking of joining a fraternity.

2015 Alex: Oh, by all means, do that. Sing a hundred bond songs, win a thousand games of beer pong. Just make sure you’re still meeting people outside it, so you don’t become isolated.

2011 Alex: But the guys in the chapter I’m looking at have been telling me that that doesn’t really happen.

2015 Alex: That’s because they’re trying to recruit you, dingleberry. Why do you think they’re giving you so much free food? Because they like you? Wake up, man. For the record, though, they’re not wrong. A Greek organization can totally define your college experience, in the best way possible.

2011 Alex: I know, it’s just that I’m not sure I’ll be able to put that much time in…I can already tell I’m going to be busy doing what Northwestern is all about: setting myself up for a long and successful career. I mean, it’s cool to meet people and everything, but ultimately, isn’t that why I’m here?

2015 Alex: No. Sorry, but no. I know it can be hard to resist that mentality, especially at this place, where people’s goddamn email signatures run longer than their online dating profiles. But the fact is that no matter what, you’ll be graduating in good shape to get a job. It may take a few years to end up with the job you really want, but that’s not something to worry about now. Don’t let everyone else’s compulsive hysteria make you lose sleep over whether you get an internship the summer after freshman year.

2011 Alex: I hear you, but you’re crazy if you don’t think I’m going to spend every moment I can getting a leg up on the field I want to work in someday. It’s just the logical move.

2015 Alex: Maybe, but it’s still the wrong one. Do you know what my biggest regret of college was?

2011 Alex: Not finding John Evans’s buried gold in the steam tunnels?

2015 Alex: Nah, I’m actually pretty sure that doesn’t exist, although it’s never stopped me from looking. No, my biggest regret is that I didn’t join BLAST, or SHAPE, or try out for the Frisbee team, or audition for Wrestlepocalypse. These are all things that only exist in college, things you’ll never really get to do again. You’ll be spending your whole life working in that professional field you have your eye on. College is the time to learn how to swing dance and do terrible performance art. Speaking of which, did you know that there’s a whole big city just a few miles south of here?

2011 Alex: Of course, that was a big part of my “Why Northwestern” essay: “Going to Northwestern means access to both the most renowned and prestigious journalism school in the world, and to one of America’s great cities.” I actually took a trip down to Chicago last week and checked out Millennium Park. It was pretty neat.

2015 Alex: First of all, “renowned and prestigious” is redundant. That’s shitty writing. You idiot. Second, if by “access” you mean “an 80-minute ride on a rickety above-ground piss carriage,” sure. It will always be there. But don’t let that make you take it for granted. You’d be amazed how many students get trapped in the university bubble, spending months without venturing south of Davis. Third, sooner or later you’ll need to understand that “going into Chicago” shouldn’t mean “going to the Loop.” Chicago isn’t one of the world’s great cities because of the towers you see reflected in The Bean. It’s because of six-dozen vibrant, dynamic, busy, disgusting neighborhoods. So make sure you start exploring—and I mean really exploring—as soon as you can. Go to a concert in Uptown, or a taquería in Logan Square, or a blues bar in Bronzeville. Trust me, there’s a lot to be seen out there.

2011 Alex: Geez, dude, this is a lot of stuff. I’m honestly not sure if I’ll be able to get to all of it.

2015 Alex: Whatever. Just do what you can, and don’t worry about the rest. But if you only remember one thing from this little trans-dimensional drop-in of mine of mine, it should be this: don’t take anything too seriously. There are billions of people all over the world right now worrying over decisions that will determine their future years down the road. In college, almost all your stress is over stuff that won’t matter in a week. So concentrate on sharing experiences with people, experiences you’ll carry with you forever. That’s why you need to do things like carry wine and lawn chairs to the roof of tech, or do enough LSD on Dillo Day to make 2-Chainz look like a robot sea monster from the future. There are potential memories everywhere, Nitkin. You just have to go and make them.

2011 Alex: Call me Alex. That’s what my friends call me.

2015 Alex: Ahh, that’s cute.